I’m fucking fat.

Yes, I’m fucking fat. Yes, fucking, was a necessary adverb. And yes, it’s all my fault.

I’ve never been so fucking fat in my life before. I’d like to take this opportunity to make a list of countless excuses I have used and said to myself to justify the ballooning of my midsection. 

1. I don’t have time to meal prep.

2. Healthy food is way, totally, oh-my-god more expensive than junk food. 

3. I like my food like I like my sex – Fast, easy, and to the point. Ain’t nobody got time for romance or fancy dinners while you’re running around with kids ALL DAY AND NIGHT. 

4. I’m poor. I can’t just dump out all my bad foods. What the hell would I eat?

5. I’m tired.

6. I’ll start after my birthday/anniversary/holiday/random party/every weekend… 

7. It’s Friday.

8. Ice cream and chocolate are the only treats I can afford.

9. The toddler is throwing a fit.

10. The toddler is crying.

11. The toddler is itchy.

12. The toddler requests her breast. Yes, I still breast feed. Sue me.

13. The toddler is finally napping.

14. The toddler woke up.

And the list can go on and on… 

I need to do something, quick. I can’t keep letting myself go. 

And before any wrong ideas start brewing in your head I am not fat-shaming. I am self-shaming. 

The end. 

 

Running like a mother…

Just finished running my first 5k in a very, very long time.

Setting: Hundreds of mamas running with their kids, significant others, and waiting for the porta potty. Moms have small bladders. Long story short – I had a blast. I’m insanely out of shape but I didn’t place last in my age group. Granted, women twice my age, women with strollers, and sweet little elementary girls all passed me by but I loved it.

I felt like dying during my last lap but I made it. I’m here, not dead, to share this awesome experience. 

Not only did I see a wonderful display of motherhood and family but I learned it’s never too late discover or start doing something new that you might end up falling in love with. Running never appealed to me but look at me now… Writing about the Running Like A Mother 5K and glowing or maybe that’s just sweat but still.

P.S. You know that hippie trip I’m on? I SMELL. Coconut oil and hippie oils/deodorant rocks do not cut it when you run that much!

 

Confession: I don’t want to be a mother for Mother’s Day.

My life is – Whiny kids, a whiny fiancé, constant cleaning, zero privacy, no sleep, cartoons 24/7, in short: I am a martyr. The, a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering, definition of it.

I bet you already know what I want for Mother’s Day.

That’s right, I’ll gladly give up the flowers, mimosas, and the company of the ones that bless me with so much happiness daily… All for a little rest. Sweet, sweet, ever fleeting rest. To pee in peace would be divine. To not hear MOOOOOOMMY every five seconds would be a dream come true.

I am tired. I’m only human. I need some space. So please, please go away and have fun while I sleep and drool in the beautiful silence of solitude.

But please come back soon, I only need an hour or two. No matter how much I complain, I always miss them at the end.

Ain’t that something?

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28 days a hippie.

It’s been 28 days since I stopped wearing deodorant. No, I haven’t had anyone run away from me yet or scrunch up their nose as I walk by. All good signs, I think. I decided to stop wearing deodorant and sunblock (YIKES, I know) after reading several articles on the abundance of chemicals in our everyday products, even the organic ones!

It all started innocently enough. I was on Instagram and one of my friends posted a picture of the Think Dirty app. I was intrigued. I immediately downloaded it and started scanning like a madwoman. The app lets you scan the barcodes of products and then gives you a rating from 1-10, 10 being the dirtiest. It breaks down the ingredients for you and provides you with safer alternatives. It ruined my life.

Here I was living in a dream world. Buying all these expensive organic products thinking I was making a difference in my family’s life and well-being. But no, NO. All my fancy-shmancy products were scanning at a 7 and higher. What in the mother…? I was crushed. So, I sucked it up and wrote down changes, small attainable ones and bigger ones to work on.

I made an announcement. No more deodorant for me, no more of those awesome smelling body washes with the lab produced fragrances, no more sunblock or chemically packed anti-aging BS. My drawer full of products (actually it’s more like 3) was reduced to three items. Organic coconut oil which I’m using from deodorant to face wash, and 2 lotions from a brand called Acure Organics. One is a night lotion and the other one is a daytime lotion designed for sensitive skin that I’m using for my rosacea.

What about the sun and it’s evil cancer inducing rays? I do live in Texas after all… Simple my friends. I’m avoiding it’s peak time and when I can’t, I wear sunglasses and a hat. I try and seek shade and most of all relax and remember that the sun provides benefits also. I’m learning to enjoy it.

I’m enjoying life.

Here’s too 100 days of being a hippie. Live, love, laugh.

 

Motherhood unplugged.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I spend too much damn time on my phone. I run around after my girls obsessively trying to snap pictures. I’m overcompensating for the lack of images from my own childhood. I want them to have a reference of their past in case they end up having a shitty memory, like me.

But maybe for today I’ll try something different. I’ll put my phone away and run after them but this time – chase them with the purpose of enjoying their smiles and falling in love with their laughter.

Without a phone in their face.

A new beginning.

Tired mom.

That’s been my go to excuse. Not really an excuse either because I really am an exhausted mother. 

But there has to be more. Being a stay-at-home-mom can’t be all sacrifice and neglect. I do a lot of both. It’s time to stop. Tomorrow will be a new beginning in many ways. I will eat healthier, I will decrease my carbon footprint, I will love myself more, I will be a better person and in return, hopefully, a happier mom.

I’ve opted to take baby steps because drastic changes kind of freak me out and taking on additional stress just defeats the purpose. Here’s my list for the next week.

1. Drink hot water with lemon when waking up.

2. Limit coffee to one cup a day. (ok, ok maybe one BIG cup)

3. Stretch and take deep breaths for 5-15 min a day. 

4. Throw away all products that contain dangerous chemicals or fragrances, even if they’re organic.

5. DRINK WATER ALL DAY.

6. Run.

Not anything crazy or major but here’s to hoping that they make a crazy and/or major difference in MY life.

Live, love, laugh.

The Gospel of Mom – The Beginning

In the beginning Mom created a schedule.

The children were rowdy however and Mom needed a break, and so Mom said, “Let there be light.”

And the TV was turned on and there was light . Mom saw that the light was good and she separated some time for this most lovely of activities.

Mom called the light a break and the darkness she called wine o clock. And so there was evening, and there was morning – the first day.