Tag Archives: Change

It’s coming.

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It’s already here.

The despair, the feeling that you’re thisclose to drowning. Running out of breath, running towards an exit, wishing you were anywhere but where you are.

But you’re there.

Sitting next to the person that’s supposed to be your light. But instead, sitting next to them is like being underneath a huge, ominous storm cloud.

It’s sucks and I’m sure there’s a more poetic way to say it but why waste your breath?

Relationships. The shitty ones will suck the life right out of you.

The end.

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I’m fucking fat.

Yes, I’m fucking fat. Yes, fucking, was a necessary adverb. And yes, it’s all my fault.

I’ve never been so fucking fat in my life before. I’d like to take this opportunity to make a list of countless excuses I have used and said to myself to justify the ballooning of my midsection. 

1. I don’t have time to meal prep.

2. Healthy food is way, totally, oh-my-god more expensive than junk food. 

3. I like my food like I like my sex – Fast, easy, and to the point. Ain’t nobody got time for romance or fancy dinners while you’re running around with kids ALL DAY AND NIGHT. 

4. I’m poor. I can’t just dump out all my bad foods. What the hell would I eat?

5. I’m tired.

6. I’ll start after my birthday/anniversary/holiday/random party/every weekend… 

7. It’s Friday.

8. Ice cream and chocolate are the only treats I can afford.

9. The toddler is throwing a fit.

10. The toddler is crying.

11. The toddler is itchy.

12. The toddler requests her breast. Yes, I still breast feed. Sue me.

13. The toddler is finally napping.

14. The toddler woke up.

And the list can go on and on… 

I need to do something, quick. I can’t keep letting myself go. 

And before any wrong ideas start brewing in your head I am not fat-shaming. I am self-shaming. 

The end. 

 

28 days a hippie.

It’s been 28 days since I stopped wearing deodorant. No, I haven’t had anyone run away from me yet or scrunch up their nose as I walk by. All good signs, I think. I decided to stop wearing deodorant and sunblock (YIKES, I know) after reading several articles on the abundance of chemicals in our everyday products, even the organic ones!

It all started innocently enough. I was on Instagram and one of my friends posted a picture of the Think Dirty app. I was intrigued. I immediately downloaded it and started scanning like a madwoman. The app lets you scan the barcodes of products and then gives you a rating from 1-10, 10 being the dirtiest. It breaks down the ingredients for you and provides you with safer alternatives. It ruined my life.

Here I was living in a dream world. Buying all these expensive organic products thinking I was making a difference in my family’s life and well-being. But no, NO. All my fancy-shmancy products were scanning at a 7 and higher. What in the mother…? I was crushed. So, I sucked it up and wrote down changes, small attainable ones and bigger ones to work on.

I made an announcement. No more deodorant for me, no more of those awesome smelling body washes with the lab produced fragrances, no more sunblock or chemically packed anti-aging BS. My drawer full of products (actually it’s more like 3) was reduced to three items. Organic coconut oil which I’m using from deodorant to face wash, and 2 lotions from a brand called Acure Organics. One is a night lotion and the other one is a daytime lotion designed for sensitive skin that I’m using for my rosacea.

What about the sun and it’s evil cancer inducing rays? I do live in Texas after all… Simple my friends. I’m avoiding it’s peak time and when I can’t, I wear sunglasses and a hat. I try and seek shade and most of all relax and remember that the sun provides benefits also. I’m learning to enjoy it.

I’m enjoying life.

Here’s too 100 days of being a hippie. Live, love, laugh.

 

And it was all yellow.

It’s not winter, yet. But it’s dark, and it’s cold, and outside everything is covered in piles of yellow.

There’s been rain, hail, promises of sleet and snow. The girls and I have been hermits for the past 2 weeks and it’s getting a little stir crazy up in this mother. Em has been insanely sick and I blame that on writing my Nothing post. Right after I hit publish she started coughing.

The coughing led to snot which led to mild fevers. The mild fevers turned into discomfort and major congestion. All the congestion led to horrible coughing attacks that ended up in my poor child red faced and choking. It was scary. I thought she had bronchitis or pneumonia or whooping cough – I was freakin’ out. 

We ended up going to to ER (I am so thankful for Cooks and all the wonderful staff they have) and Em was diagnosed with an ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and pharyngitis. She’s on antibiotics for 10 days. My house is a disaster. My fiance and I are walking around in a zombie like state. Lo is tired and wants to go outside. It’s been tough.

My view from all windows is yellow. Beautiful, sorrowful yellow leaves hanging on to dear life or in piles on the floor. It’s days like this when I miss my days in CA. I miss going out in winter and being ok with a jacket and beanie. I miss not being trapped indoors. I miss random socializing with acquaintances and my fiance’s friends.

I miss having a life. It’s hard being out here without any kind of support. We really are all alone. 

But what the hell? We have a house, a barely working car – but it works, clothes, and an improving financial state.

I am thankful for today. 

 

Scarlet letter X.

I’m going to make this short and sweet.

My future mother-in-law is kind of a bitch. And, I’m only adding the kind of because sometimes my fiance glances at my blog.

But how does this woman who is 1,432 miles away manage to make my life absolutely miserable, still?

I’ve read countless of articles and books and they all say to let go. Let go. Move on. That’s all sunshine and rainbows in theory. I’d love nothing more than to forget or forgive the insults and nasty actions taken upon me by her. I would love to somehow rationalize the way she blatantly manipulates my fiance because well, I’m your mother and so you’ll deal with my nastiness and I’ll disown you for leaving me at 30 years old and starting a family.

I’ll insult you and push you off to the side when you have no job. I won’t bother asking if you or your pregnant fiance need anything because I don’t give 2 shits that you two are under a lot of stress and have only enough money to eat .99 tacos at Jack in the Box every day. Nope. I’ll keep updating my status to show people that I practically live in Beverly Hills and that anything else is beneath me. After all, I am a lady of society.

I’ll keep partying and dressing like I’m 21 and then send you pictures of me in tight, leopard dresses so you can tell me I look better than the younger girls I’m clubbing with. I’ll criticizing you and make fun of you nonstop for being with that bitch because I need my rent paid and someone to babysit your brother while I’m out attending events. I need to interrupt you and call you through the wee AM hours to get your attention. I’ll send you texts saying game’s over and anything else I can think of to upset you.

I’ll make you ditch your fiance on Christmas Eve. I won’t go visit my granddaughter who lives 10 minutes away from me because she’ll be there. I’ll start acting like I give a fuck once I know you’re working again and my birthday or any holidays are coming up. I’ll finally want to get closer to Em because she’s a pretty, personality filled toddler who feeds my ego. Yes, she looks nothing like her mom. Thank god. She’s beautiful and all things great obviously because now, I’m her grandmother.

I would love to free myself from the hatred this woman has implanted in my heart. I would love to hug her, have lunch with her, go shopping. I would be smitten with her if she accepted Lo and treated her like another granddaughter. After all, my fiance and her younger son are also from two different dads. I’m no more a whore than she is. Let’s bond over our failed relationships.

She once told my fiance that I was a disrespectful, uneducated girl for not fawning all over her. She said that she would never kiss my ass. Well future mama-in-law, the feeling is mutual. I’ll never kiss your ass, either. I’ve seen it once while you were wearing a miniskirt and bending over and it’s not very appealing. Much like your personality.

Shit, I’m supposed to be letting go.

Fuck.

Twins, people. Twins.

I’ve been a little quiet lately. Here’s why, enjoy.

Last Thursday my fiance and I decided to drive to an abortion clinic after a whole lot of puke and 2 positive pregnancy tests. Yes, I found out that I was pregnant with twins as I was scheduling my surgery. No, I’m not having the abortion after all. Before you start judging me understand that I’m thirty, not living in the best financial state, with two girls to care for, zero patience, no desire whatsoever to party, and an unsupportive family. Just 2 weeks ago my father called to accuse me of running a drug den and predicted that in 2 years I’d be living under a bridge with nothing but a grocery cart full of plastic bags, if I was lucky.

I guess you can say they won’t be thrilled to find out about my pregnancy which is exactly why I’m not telling them. In fact all they’ve told me since having my youngest is don’t have another child, don’t have another child, you can’t have another child, forget about us if you have another child. You can’t even handle or provide for the ones you have, DON’T HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.

With all due respect ‘rents, fuck you. And if you don’t want to be a part of their lives that’s fine with me. I’m tired of being treated like a 15 year old. I’m fucking fed up with people telling me what’s right for me or what I can or can’t handle. That’s why I’m not telling anyone. I plan on announcing our little blessings the day I give birth. I figure it won’t be too hard since all my acquaintances live in CA and no one I know has any idea of this blog.

So there. That’s my story. Please don’t tell me what a fucking cunt I was for considering abortion or how selfish or negligent or less of a human I am. I also don’t want to hear how these kids are a blessing because right now I have two running around, screaming, and driving me fucking crazy. I don’t want to hear how God has a plan or doesn’t give anyone more than they can handle type of religious bullshit. I don’t want anyone’s opinion. All I want is some fucking respect and a box full of donuts.

The end.

How iOS7 ruined my life.

Update available. Update available. Update available.

Update now?

Ok.

SUCKER. You can’t update now. Who do you think this is? Your high school best friend? Shit, Apple updates ain’t easy.

It took me 10 erased songs, 9 apps now useless, 8 notes gone fishing, 7 hours, 6 tantrums, 5 iCloud backups, 4 quesadillas, 3 cups of coffee, 2 cookies, and one look to decide… OMG iOS7 is the best ever!!

Just joking. That’s the Sapporo talking. 

Live, love, laugh and pray that there isn’t another update for at least a month.

Please.