Tag Archives: Depression

Almost Winter Blues

I’ve been feeling a certain type of way.
A lonely kind of way.
All different shades of blue.
No escape, no light in sight…

Just sadness. But the type if sadness you feel creeping in. Slowly, but it’s there, like a knot in your throat. There’s been no consoling me. Mostly because I should be happy, content, at peace.

It’s crazy, really.

Maybe it’s the weather. But I’m in for a long, cold winter, and the forecast is looking grim.

Bah, humbug.

An open letter to the world

I suffer from depression. I think we all do from time to time. My problem is that for some reason I also have the strong urge to jump out of a moving car sometimes or wish that a semi would hit me while driving (alone, not ever with my girls) and that I’d die instantly. This open letter to the world that you’re about to read is in no way a cry for help. I am not going to commit suicide, not because I don’t want to, but because I have something to live for, however much that may scare me.

Goodbye world. I leave you behind two young girls who I’ve hopefully not traumatized too much and that’s it. I am no one. I never accomplished anything or became anyone. I was mediocre my whole life, although at one point, I dared to dream of a different life.

The pain is too much and only gets worse every day. I feel like I’ve failed my daughters, especially my oldest. I look at her at times and see nothing but confusion in her eyes. She’s so timid and insecure although I’ve tried so hard to make her strong. So weak willed even though I’ve tried to push her to chase her young dreams, to be true to herself, to fight for what she wants, to fight for what’s right, too. 

The baby is a tiny little spit-fire, a full of love free spirit that mirrors who I was as a child, but only because I haven’t had the chance to fuck her up too much, I guess.

And my fiance? Well, he’s great, world. To him and my girls please be kind. Please show them some peace, some hope, let there be light in their life in spite of the darkness coming. Please, please, please make them not wish to understand. Let them just accept that I was flawed from birth and made into a mental case full of resentment before I even turned the ripe old age of eight.

I want to leave them with happy memories. I want them to remember me happy. I need to be happy because it’s all I can leave them behind.

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal please call a suicide hotline or find someone to talk to. Writing helps me relax and ease my anxiety. Suicidal feelings are so hard to deal with and can sometimes come off as selfish to other people, even to the ones we’re seeking comfort from. It’s taken me a lot of tears to realize that although my world can go from sunshine to nothing at times I have something to live for, me.

I am the most important reason of all.

I love my girls even though I feel like a shit parent at times. I love the joys and sorrows I share with my fiance. I love life even though everything points to me being a complete failure. So please find something to live for and if you’re lucky enough to never have these horrible thoughts, please try to show empathy to those of us who do. We aren’t being selfish or dramatic. We aren’t attention seekers (this is actually my first time ever admitting these thoughts) and we definitely are not weak.

Please be kind, always.

XOXO, Jess

And it was all yellow.

It’s not winter, yet. But it’s dark, and it’s cold, and outside everything is covered in piles of yellow.

There’s been rain, hail, promises of sleet and snow. The girls and I have been hermits for the past 2 weeks and it’s getting a little stir crazy up in this mother. Em has been insanely sick and I blame that on writing my Nothing post. Right after I hit publish she started coughing.

The coughing led to snot which led to mild fevers. The mild fevers turned into discomfort and major congestion. All the congestion led to horrible coughing attacks that ended up in my poor child red faced and choking. It was scary. I thought she had bronchitis or pneumonia or whooping cough – I was freakin’ out. 

We ended up going to to ER (I am so thankful for Cooks and all the wonderful staff they have) and Em was diagnosed with an ear infection, upper respiratory infection, and pharyngitis. She’s on antibiotics for 10 days. My house is a disaster. My fiance and I are walking around in a zombie like state. Lo is tired and wants to go outside. It’s been tough.

My view from all windows is yellow. Beautiful, sorrowful yellow leaves hanging on to dear life or in piles on the floor. It’s days like this when I miss my days in CA. I miss going out in winter and being ok with a jacket and beanie. I miss not being trapped indoors. I miss random socializing with acquaintances and my fiance’s friends.

I miss having a life. It’s hard being out here without any kind of support. We really are all alone. 

But what the hell? We have a house, a barely working car – but it works, clothes, and an improving financial state.

I am thankful for today.