Tag Archives: Humor

The Gospel of Mom – The Beginning

In the beginning Mom created a schedule.

The children were rowdy however and Mom needed a break, and so Mom said, “Let there be light.”

And the TV was turned on and there was light . Mom saw that the light was good and she separated some time for this most lovely of activities.

Mom called the light a break and the darkness she called wine o clock. And so there was evening, and there was morning – the first day.

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A birthday and the Icepocolypse.

My daughter turned seven the very same day a major cold front hit DFW. 

People were driving around in chaos, emptying out bread shelves and buying all of the bananas. There was an expected .25 inches of ice coming, survival seemed bleak. Everyone was preparing for massive power outages and freezing temperatures. All I wanted was my baby to get a cake.

Baby got a cake.

And right after she blew out her candles the rain started pouring. Work, schools, and government buildings closed their doors and said uh-uh girlfriend, stay in bed everyone – ain’t no thang. 

Cleon was here. He has a really funny twitter, too. 

So here I am. Stuck indoors since Thursday with a moody fiance and sick kids after the hardest week of my life that hopefully I’ll survive to write about.

Here’s to survivng storm Cleo and the DFW7s, Icepocolypse 2013. 

Things my 6 year old says…

Overheard while in the bathtub with her sister…

So you’re white, I’m tan… We’re still sisters, it’s all good.

When asked how long her sister napped…

Oh, you know like an hour? No, maybe 2. No, wait… 2 hours and 50 cents.

When reunited with a friend she hasn’t seen for a week…

Oh my god, Jasmine! I haven’t seen you in like 30 years!

6 has been quite a ride but I don’t think I’m mentally ready for 7. My baby is getting older. How much longer will she be ok with sitting through Dora with her little sister? Or listening to lullabies? How much longer will she love me unconditionally and be ridiculously forgiving?

I can’t help but notice the baby leaving from her face and in place the beginnings of a beautiful, spunky teenager.

Oh, Lola. You have no idea how much I love you. You drive me absolutely crazy but I’m just as crazy – about you.

Winter blues in Fall.

It’s cold, windy, dark… Somewhere in CA someone is still enjoying the sun. 

I’ve given the sun a bad rep. I’ve said I hated the sun, complained about it, shielded myself from it’s rays. You really don’t know what you have until it’s gone. And yesterday, we said goodbye to sunshine and warm weather. 

I still complained while sweating, wore a hat and sunglasses, but today, I’m so thankful I chose to spend even a little bit of time outdoors, in the sun.

Usually, I’m a sucker for this type of weather. In the past I’ve loved to wrap myself up in a cozy sweater and walk outside without having to cover myself in layer after layer of 100 SPF sunblock. What is wrong with me? I’ve even had serious thoughts of going through light therapy this winter. 

I hope it’s just a temporary feeling like that one time I thought I would give up coffee for green tea. I love November, I do. I do.

Say it with me… No shave November, the best time of year.

If you give a toddler a cupcake…

If you give a toddler a cupcake she’ll get frosting all over her face

The frosting will be distracting and she’ll end up dropping the cupcake on the floor

While she’s on the floor looking for her cupcake she’ll run into stale cheerios

The stale cheerios will remind her of milk and she’ll ask for some

While she’s drinking her milk she’ll decide that spitting it is much more fun and she’ll go around the house making little puddles of milk

The tiny puddles on the floor will remind her of water which will remind her of her half eaten pouch of goldfish

While asking for goldfish she’ll hear Dora in the background and run towards the tv where she’ll discover some laundry you just folded

The clothes are super cozy so she’ll decide to throw them all on the floor and lay there while screaming, mama, mama, mama… hi

While she’s on the floor she’ll see her bottle of milk and throw it on top of couch

Seeing the couch will remind her that she can climb up anywhere now as silent as a ninja, so she will

All the silence will freak you out so you’ll drop your mug of coffee and run into the room to find your toddler on the edge of the couch an inch away from falling down and getting a concussion/serious bodily damage, she’ll laugh

All the laughing will remind her that she’s hungry and chances are…

If you have a hungry toddler, you’ll have a mom on the verge of having a heart attack who will give her kid the cupcake she dropped on the floor that morning, for lunch.

Sunday confessions.

1. I’ve been wearing the same pair of shorts a la Britney Spears circa 2010 for the past week. You know, the ones with the pockets showing? I’m a classy lady.

2. I ate a chocolate bar at Target. It was gross, didn’t pay for it.

3. I saw pictures of people I used to be friends with in real life on some trip and thought to myself, what a bunch of fucking assholes. We’re now just Facebook friends, whatever that means.

4. I thought about throwing a chancla at my kids just for kicks.

5. I still hate my fiance’s mom. I’m not even going to go there with that story.

6. I’ve been consumed by gluttony.

7. I want to go away for a weekend. BY MYSELF. No kids, no snoring fiance.

8. I punched my fiance last night. In his sleep.

Happy Sunday!